piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
