Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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