probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
