ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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