i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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