Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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