Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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