I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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