well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
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