When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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