.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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