I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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