I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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