You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
