I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
