i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
