We won't sleep together?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
