This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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