Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
