Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
