I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
