I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
