Just fell off a train. Bad.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
