he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
