i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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