You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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