Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
