She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
