Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
