i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
