I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this just has baby written all over it
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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