At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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