Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
