i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
