It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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