my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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