Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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