im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
