I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
