Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
