You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You're like the curious george of whores
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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