i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
