I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
