he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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