Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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