We won't sleep together?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
