You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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