The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
