Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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