i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
