Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
