Only a mothe r could love this liver
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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